There's something about the way the air's too still...

I haven't been terribly productive these holidays, I've gotta admit.

There's been something missing, hard to say whether it's been created by the hole in the heart, or the hole in the passion.

I believe that I'm in a specific point of how I'm doing, people call it the inflection point. It's the point where your progress is reduced to zero temporarily, and then suddenly normal service is resumed and life goes on.

I don't really like being in this position. I really don't. But having said that, circumstances have made it so that I'm being surprisingly lethargic; to an extent having a holiday hangover. I think it's too late, or even ludicrous rather to blame anything wonderful that has happened this term break, such as the World Cup, Blue-Eyed Girl or being fit again...

Today I spent the day re-evaluating myself, pinpointing out weaknesses in my habits. I've been doing things that I've put off for a while, now I'm actually missing my dad quite a lot ( I am really thankful for accidentally stealing some of his Anthony Robbins stuff, it's really helping me quite a bit).

Anyway, this post is about the things I aim to achieve this half-year, as well as the things that I've done already to work towards those goals...

GOALS

1. To get my bloody Honours. I'm soooo close I can smell it.

2. To be in shape, and prepared for life beyond this degree.

3. To find love. And be appreciated for who I am this time.

Actions

I've already deleted my Games Folder. That's right, no more online gaming this semester, I'm officially serious about it this time and I'm journaling it down so that whenever I start feeling the withdrawal symptoms, I'll be seeking inspiration from how consistent I've been.

Planned will be to start my own Youtube channel. I've always loved to sing. I believe that it's finally time to express it. Not like anyone wants to really hear it anyway. This would be definitely to fill in the void left by gaming, I'm gonna need some form of entertainment after all.

Also will be isolating myself from certain people, namely people that I've been trying to reach out to, but not getting any responses from.. I'm set to almost socially disappear this semester, and I'm gonna enjoy it. Just like how I used to when I was in Year 12.

I was listening to Anthony Robbins today, and I was very intrigued and interested by the concepts he introduced about human nature... It was a harsh reminder about people are generally about CBA - Cost Benefit Analysis and how people are driven by the pleasure, as well as the instinct to avoid pain whenever making a decision. So I have decided to instil his ideas by reminding myself of the pleasures of getting something done, rather than the pain of dreading it. Perhaps that's been the motivation that I've been lacking.

I recall that in year 12, I was virtually unstoppable coz I knew what I wanted, I had a target and I was EAGER to achieve it. I realised that over the years, I've pretty much blunted my fangs and claws, and the will to achieve just hasn't been there anymore. I remember the days that I used to get good results for fun, and not really caring about anything else. I think it's time to sharpen that blade of thought again, and it's time to bring back the glory of the old days where nothing else mattered except getting the grades that I wanted. And football. Sweet, sweet football.

I don't like the fact that I keep crying over spilled milk. I used to be the kind of person that would wallow in my own tears (but eventually bounce back) after a loss, whether it was in studies, sports or love. Now that I'm 23, since there's no time to go down that destructive spiral, I've gradually learnt to take failure into my stride and not get upset over it. The one thing that has really gotten to me, is that I've never really found the security to appreciate myself. Probably coz I've never had anyone really come up to me and say "I really appreciate the fact that you're this person, thanks for being this way". It's really one of those things that I'm secretly hoping someone some day would say, but i know it's never gonna come. I don't know why I torture myself everyday thinking about it, it's like a burden that I carry on my shoulders each time I put myself into something, perhaps that's the reason why I tend to "hit and hope" whenever I take on something new... It's coz I've never found someone who would tell me that I've been great for trying it in the first place.

So here I stand. At another turning point in my life where it could just be another inflection that I brush off, or a maximum and I drop into the abyss of failure. I can't afford to fail. I know I won't. I'll definitely draw my own strength, just like I always do.

I just wished that there was someone's hand that I could hold on to.

Wish me luck. Not for life itself, but for someone or something, companion or compassion, desire or disaster, that will give me something to fight 100% for. Please God if there is one, this is the time where I really need something, or someone to boot me out of this dormant state I'm in.

First day of Uni's soon. Let's do this.