Haloween Apples without the Razor Blades

There is a point in life that you find yourself in a world of doubt: The in-between feeling that you get of wanting to grow up, but at the same time possessing the heart of a child. Life brings this dilemma/drama/fable to many in different ways, some choose to eternally remain a youthful and it pays off, bringing them to whatever they've dreamt of. Some let go of their past, and turn into someone completely different; Whether it would be done by baptism of fire, or an epiphany just slams them in the face, they just, grow up really.

22 isn't a bad age to grow up. To give up the lifestyle, as well as the comfort of being a kid and not worrying about trivial things such as money and food and who do we owe money to and whatnot. Yet a part of me wants to hang around longer, because there's a part of me that wants to get better and better at whatever I do.

Sometimes I hate myself for being the way that I am. To love something so immature, something so useless in life that I can't possibly pursue it. Whether it's love, or aspirations, or just plain habit, I felt that I've failed a lot of things so far in a lot of ways possible.

Of course then comes the cliche "Actions speak louder than words". Taking action is one thing, but consistently keeping at the required level is really something else. It really saddens me sometimes to realise that to grow up, I've got so many people to let go, so many things to give up and there's the outside-of-comfort-zone uncomfortable feeling that sinks in just dreading the thought of throwing it all away... Perhaps this coming 6 months is the real test of manhood, the period that really separates the men from the boys. Sir Alex Ferguson calls it "squeaky bum time".

i just wish that there was someone that I could consistently draw strength from. Those who know me well enough will know what is the greatest source of my strength: Appreciation. This really makes me miss certain people who really appreciate what I do (even though at times they annoy the hell out of me). People like that, that I can no longer turn to.

Perhaps it is also a blessing in disguise, that I learn to take this journey alone. That I learn, in truth, that although no man is an island, success has to be single-handed achieved in life, because you reap what you sow, as simple as that. And maybe it is time to strip myself off the "extras" down to the bare bones, to streamline myself in such a way that I cannot possibly do myself wrong. Do get everything I want in life straight, and perhaps there is a pot of gold at the other side of the rainbow. A friend of mine that believes in Karma says that when you are a good person, life eventually will treat you better, whether it's for you or your future generation. Easy to believe? Yes. Easy to accept? I'd rather have my future generation make their own luck.

The next post of mine will certainly be of inspiration: There will be goals, stuff that I'm dumping away, people that I'm getting rid of. At least I'm certain that almost no one reads this anyway, but if you do come across this, please let me know AS SOON AS YOU CAN. I need you now, someone that cares. I appreciate the fact that you still follow this. I really do. And I thank you. So let me know yea, whoever it is. You are, my source of inspiration, if there is, truly, anyone.