静思

Sometimes I watch the world go by and wonder. What life would be like without me. What if I jumped off a cliff one day and no one heard of me anymore? The head says that my possessions would eventually become fading memories, and the heart knows that the experiences you have with these people you miss so much will eventually become a thing of the past…

I’ve been told by some people that they don’t want to fade into anonymity once they have passed away, I’ve had friends that get depressed about life’s struggle because of the fact that no matter how hard we try, unless you’re Hitler or Einstein (who knows maybe the great Albert will be forgotten one day too), the world will almost always fail to stand up to  recognise you as an individual that matters. It makes you wonder what part we play in this community of 6 billion and more, the great debate of whether each of us have a purpose to serve in life, or do we just survive each day and make peace with what we have… However the answer to these questions aren't simple and are pretty much never there, hence the development of opinion and how it can change over time…

You eventually also start to wonder over little decisions that you never made/ have made, and how people have cried over it, how people have resisted to cry over it, and whether it haunts them until now, or is it a weight lifted off their shoulders… I’ve heard the word “crossroads” being thrown around many times, it’s funny how you only see one crossroad in the movies when in truth, there are so many crossroads that we come across and ignore…

Besides the what-ifs, I also started to think of the maybe-i-should’ves. Conversations of people talking about their past seem to show similar patters: Most people rarely regret the choices they’ve made so far, but very rarely do people mention the period of uncertainty that nothing to answer to or answer for. That, I find, is the real purposeless-ness in life that we should try and avoid. It’s probably why people avoid talking about them so much. It’s funny how I’m logging how I’m actually trapped in this state right now, and yet I’ve been presented with so many options, so many crossroads to come across because it’s how “life” it’s supposed to be.

It’s the end of June. I’ve been invited to attend too many. I’ve turned them down. I don’t enjoy being vague, but I am afraid to be too specific because I am afraid of being wrong. I have lost the courage to form an opinion because I’ve been conditioned that way for the last few years (I suppose?) and when I asked of my opinion, I cannot remember what I have said.

The sense of belonging. Why do we need to be pulled along by some invisible force to feel like you belong to a certain place? Do people without belonging become wanderers? How do you tell who belongs where?

Before I ramble off and lose concentration, I would like to make a point about joy. I have been told recently that I have a double edged sword, which is the fact that I take up anything new with joy. This makes me fearful of taking up anything new at the moment, for it may be the “wrong” direction, the wrong purpose, the wrong passion, the wrong what-ifs and maybe-i-should’ves and the wrong-one-that-I-let-go.

And lastly, I only have one wish. I wish that I had told someone everything I knew before.

Big bad world here we go.