Dated 16 December
If anyone's ever heard of it, I'm doing the 30 Day Experiment. Anyone who's read the Rules of the Game would know what I mean. I'm doing the one described in the book itself, as well as using it to empower myself to abstain from caffeine related products. So far, on both fronts, I've managed to survive until Day 4. Withdrawal symptoms: Fatigue, short spurts of hypereactiveness, and a significant decrease in level to suppress boners.
Today's my brother's birthday. And I would just like to remember. Just like a few of the other birthdays that I would remember, this is one of the days where there is more meaning put into this particular 24 hours for someone special in my life. I suddenly realise how important birthdays are. It's not just about celebrating someone's coming of age, or what milestone they've reached, or how close they are from their quarterlife/midlife/3quarterlife crisis, it's about appreciating spending 365 days knowing/loving someone, into 24 hours. Sometimes a birthday wish can sum it up, sometimes a good chat would be absolutely perfect to celebrate someone's birthday; I can imagine looking forward to a good conversation with someone I've closely been knowing for my upcoming birthday. But for most of society, sometimes you just wanna wash away the bad parts of your previous year by having a good drink, just to take some "time off" with friends and worry about next year, tomorrow. =)
So in conclusion of the last topic, birthdays should be more of an "appreciation day" for that someone who you think is special. I really, genuinely wish that my brother would do well in whatever he endeavours, and I hope that he really, really finds out what he wants and to be able to see him succeed would beone of the greatest things I can imagine happen to me.
Talking about appreciation, tonight's one of those nights that have made me realise that you don't know how lucky you are until you see someone else's troubles. Some days I feel lonely. Some moments suicidal. Some days I want to turn up the speakers on my laptop, pick a song and sing out all of my heart's contents, even though no one's listening except for the soon-to-be annoyed neighbours upstairs. Some days I feel shy. Some days I feel unappreciated. And some moments you just want to pick up a flower, and give it to the person you're having in your mind, right then. This rollercoaster of emotions have swept me over the past couple of days, and in the end, trumping all of these emotions, would be thankfulness. I'm thankful that I have the ability, and the opportunity to get up when I'm down. I'm grateful for the fact that I am able to hug, and express my feelings to the one I care for, and most of the time they at least would be acknowledged. I can sleep at night in peace, knowing that I can finally appreciate myself for who I am, despite all my glaringly obvious flaws, which I hope to correct and refine my plusses. I'm glad at the way I am.
And I will go to sleep now, with my apple-mint scented jersey. Go United. Gnite
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