The voices in my head have been silent. I have been silent. I have been listening. It's almost as if I have been on a year long round-the-world trip, and for the first time I'm home. I'm home to meet Lance and Lex, and I miss them. So much, that I broke down to tears in the car just now. My instincts remind me of many things, of how stupid I have been, of how proud I should be of myself, of how much I should change with respect to the world, of how there are some things you cannot control no matter how much you try.
I have been tired. Tired to the point that things that used to make me happy in life have now become a chore, almost a liability in fact; I fear for my life for exams this term because I have fell in love with so many new things, I get caught up in so many moments, that I lose myself; My brilliance, my determination, wiped off my personality because of my new found travel acquaintances. I will begin with the beginning of 2009.
In the beginning...
I usually make no resolutions. It's not that I'm that pessimistic to believe that I'll never stick to my promises, it's just that I used to make "monthly" resolutions with myself every month. I've had my mistakes, some I correct, some I hold on, hoping to turn it into an advantage... I go for the altruistic approach, and have faith in humanity to perhaps justify what I've done so far this year... And to tell you the truth, sometimes I wonder whether what I have now is really Karma biting me in the backside. I made a "mini resolution" with myself, in January, to be a more secure, considerate, and demanding person. And I have stuck to that promise. Throughout the pain and joy of meeting new people this year, I have stuck to my guns and listened, although much of this year has been painful (the truth hurts anyway), which brings promise to the new year.
As the year progressed, I have observed many particular habits about many people, especially in my Electrical Engineering faculty, which is really just a melting pot of personalities and, truth to be told, it has been an exciting year. Friendships have been made, lost, rekindled, antagonised, and in the midst of all this chaos, I have managed to learn a thing or two about love itself. Whether it's a love for a person of the opposite gender, love for parents, love for something new, or even love for the relationship between two acquaintances, I find that cultivating love has been one of the biggest challenges for me this year.
It's not easy, especially for me, beginning a relationship between 2 (or 3) people with the snap of your fingers... There are some relationships that you want to try really, really hard to maintain and sustain (obviously at a cost) and there are relationships that you just want to have for now, and throw it away some time in the near future... But we must almost remind ourselves of the relationships that are taken for granted, the ties that are engraved so deep within our hearts that they are beyond understanding; Those are the kind of relationships that last, that come with ease, that are more comfortable than worrying. I have failed myself in building, or even sustaining a relationship in that aspect, as most of my efforts this year have been made almost out of obligation; I have decided to act out myself this year and the consequences have been dire.
I'd like to apologise to certain people who I have wronged in many, many ways this year. I would like to say sorry to my parents, for they have been my driving force, in terms of inspiration. They have been where I have drawn strength from when the chips are down, and in that aspect I have failed them, almost miserably, in terms of being responsible for myself, and not to mention my studies.
Secondly, I would like to apologise to all the new friends that I have made this year. As transparent as I have tried to be, there are some things that I have held back, and I feel that the ultimately, the detriment of our current relationship is really due to the fact that I have been hiding a lot of things, and I would promise that I would open up more honestly if I were given another chance.
Thirdly, I would like to say sorry to all the relationships that I had last year and before, that I have practically abandoned. This is not due to some external pressure that has forced me to withdraw from spending time together, it has actually been my selfish indulgences that have led to this situation. I really miss the times that being in a good relationship/friendship was very very comfortable and relaxing, instead of me having to hold back so many things that I have seemed almost quiet, although being loud and to some extent boisterous.
And lastly, I would like to apologise to the relationship that I have devoted myself heart and sould into, for I have failed that as well; I have become so self-pressured and self-centered that I have lost the point of being in that relationship in the first place. I should have let go a long time ago, and this has cost me and arm, a leg, a couple of friends, and a lot of silly mistakes that would never be made up for.
And now for the conclusion. Despite this depressing post, there is something to hope for next year, hopefully... i find that this 3 month break is enough for me to isolate myself, to finally build a relationship with myself again... I look forward to that.
May the New Year bring blessings.
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