I write this post as I am 37000 feet above sea level (the monitor at the front said so), across the Australian deserts and on the way back to reality. The feeling hit me when I received the yellow form where people fill in their purpose of entering Australia. It’s almost similar to an epiphany (only this should have happened a few months back), and I am not quite as mentally prepared as the Luxian 4 years ago, full of endeavour, excitement and fearlessness. I thought of approaching this new journey with an optimistic, gung-ho attitude a few months back, but realised that I’m no longer an 18-year old that is feeding 6-digit vitamin-M into Melbourne University’s accounts. What a year this will be.
I fell in love again. Not an uncommon thing yes, but it’s a different situation this time. It seems that every relationship/love lesson that I face is more impossible each time. From what I thought was oriental, to exotic, to white chocolate itself (I can’t think of a better way to say it), She seems to be perpetually 1000 miles and 13 time zones away. I’ve coined it as “chasing unicorns” where I remind myself that 1. love hurts (especially when unrequited), 2. loving someone is one of the best feelings in the world (besides the feeling of getting liquid out of your bladder), and 3. Loving humans is definitely more worth it than loving a dog, even though my grandfather argues otherwise. In the process, I grew up more. Funny how true the cliché “Everything has a time and place, even love” is, but through all that waiting for the right moment, even though it takes years or decades, I have learnt from pursuits of love (mine and those that I observe) that sometimes you can’t ignore the 缘分 factor… I’m on a plane now so I can’t come up with an English term for it from Google Translate, but basically fate has a part in the outcome of love….
Besides being one of the things I’ve always wanted to do, this post serves as a milestone in my life… I have begun to treasure these “digital footprints” of mine as I read through my mom’s diary of things that me and my brother did as kids… I seem to be a boring child, but sometimes the things that my brother says are absolute “mint” as Rooney would say on Special1TV… I vaguely remembering mom making entries in her little brown book as a kid, but I did not recall the time my brother saw my mom do it too, and she asked us “Which one of you would like to keep the diary when you’re grown up?” and my brother answered “复印就可以咯”(Photostat then can edi lorrrr). I still want the original copy.
I’m 2 hours away from Melbourne. So much to do. So much to do that I should have done a few months ago. So much to do that I should have done a few months ago that I regret not doing now, and I have so little time to do and I haven’t really done anything about it over the past few weeks because I’ve been busy worrying about it and everything else. I already have plans with people on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I’m worried that I can’t fit everything in between. I’m worried that I lose my focus and priorities because I’m too indulgent and I lack discipline at the worst moments. I’m worried that people will tell me “It’s all gonna be ok” and I don’t believe them, because I have been through that circus of an excuse, and it does not turn out fantastically well. My dad was right about one thing: It’s ok if you try your best and you miss out by a lot, but if you try your best and you miss out on something by a bit, it hurts as hell. Especially when you think of the tangible consequences that come after it.
On the other hand, I’m excited. I’m excited to see people again. I’m excited about the pursuit for income, the opportunity of making my own money and targeting a lifestyle that I WANT, for once. And no one complains. I’m excited at sharing a million things with new people possibly, old friends and making new mistakes, as well as learning from them. My main principle stands: Life is a learning process, no matter how old you are. This trip back to Malaysia has clarified and verified this concept in my head, and I have to keep looking up if I wanna achieve what I want.
Things I’ll miss from Malaysia: I don’t think I’ve listed them yet. Usually I don’t miss stuff when I’m away, mainly because I’ve used to changing environments, but this time I’m not going to look away and appreciate these things that I will probably not see in a long while:
1. Dad’s wisdom. As harsh as he can be, it is these very episodes that make me a better person. and I’m grateful. “Begin with the end in mind” is the latest that my dad has preached, and I’m going to put that into practice when I get back to the apartment, first thing.
2. My audience. For those who have been keen to listen to me while I' was in Malaysia, those who took their time to come out to meet with me, THANK YOU. You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to say so much to people that I haven’t found in Australia. To be frank, I realise that the reason that I haven’t really opened up to anyone is because words are hard to take back, and I hate mucking up in whatever I say. The fact that I can pour my heart out and just talk, without worrying, is such a relief.
3. The routine. I’m gonna miss regularity when I start my new life. I know that eventually life will settle down to a cycle in Melbourne, but in Malaysia I have been so comfortable that I realise that it is what I wanna achieve. And even among this routine, there’s so much flexibility and color that everyday has been entertaining. Everyday has been exciting, and dramatic, and superlative.
4. The indulgence. I’ve realised that Malaysia is the, perfect place to indulge. The perfect place to waste time. But the purpose of going to Melbourne is to grow up, to develop a new maturity, a new discipline and a new lifestyle. And I will do it, whatever it takes.
Watch this space.
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