Growing Pains

I've moved a few posts because I don't think people should see that side of me. (Where I've moved them to is only a typo away anyway).

Another year has come and passed. This post is about the past, the present and the future. This is 1 post that can summarise 2010, as well the month of December that felt like it lasted longer than 2010 altogether.

2010 was, shall we say, a learning experience. As a 4th year engineering student, although I cannot say that I am completely satisfied with what I have achieved within the year, the highlight of the year was getting the results at the end of the year, and hearing both my parents tell me that they were proud of what I've done. I cried that night, for the first time in the year, out of happiness instead of fear or depression. It was arguably the only time that whole year that I had felt truly happy, without any fear of what came next.

I miss these people already.

As for the lows of 2010, I can easily say that most of the year had been stressful. From the semi-dodgy lecturers, to the bouts of depression, and the walking-on-glass feeling when you're dating someone new, to letting so many people down at once, it's almost as if I had chosen the wrong course to study in university and I'm finally starting to pay for it. Maybe I wasn't grown up enough yet. Maybe I was too spoilt. Maybe I'm just being over-worrying about the whole issue. Through all that, I had discovered that the main theme of the year was not getting what I wanted, and learning to deal with it. Some things I have dealt with in a proactive way, and things have turned out relatively ok, and some things I have chosen to go for the QSS(Que-Sera-Sera) rule and hope that everything falls into place. Some things I have actually dealt with an iron hand, and I am learning to deal with the consequences.

So now, for the lessons of 2010:

1. Suffer the pain of discipline, or suffer the pain of regret. My dad recently asked me what I would change about myself the most, thinking that I would say that I'd wanna curb my fear of talking to him. I told him that I wanted to chase away the demons of my indulgence. Too often I have gave in to temptation, and as a result lose focus of what I really intend to do. This has to stop. 2011 is the year that I grow up, and dealing with this habit is the first priority.
2. Love is forever. There is one person that I'm hoping that will read this. But it is most likely that the person has given up on me already. She's that kind of person anyway. I miss her everyday. She's still part of me. I dunno how long I'll take to move on from her. I knew how desperate I was when I was eating YeeSang the other day with mom and aunties and they were joking about how if you pulled the noodles high enough, your 1 wish in your heart would come true. I pulled mine really high, thinking of her. I can't imagine how long more I'll stay single at this rate. But nevertheless, I also know that time heals all wounds. Except that I don't know whether this is a wound I'm having with me. Which brings up Barney Stinson's famous saying "everyone in a relationship comes with baggage". I'm sure I know mine now.

3. Always optimise yourself to perform to other people's best. Very invaluable lesson from my dad. He seems to think that I hate him for saying nasty, harsh and practical things. I actually really appreciate what he does, I just have to find time to hit myself on the head and focus on applying what he says. Looking back at the year, I realise that by applying this rule to mots of the situations that I faced, I certainly would've had a better outcome in all circumstances.

Sometimes I wonder why I returned to Malaysia for Christmas and whatnot. I was happy in Australia. I had relative plans for what I would do when I had finished uni. I had plans to apply for my PR early from there so that I could get a head start on applying for jobs. I was growing up in my own time in Australia, I wanted to learn how to clean and cook the apartment regularly and work on my own fitness. I was enjoying the company of someone I had just made friends with. I was starting to take control of my own life, now that the burden of studying had been lifted off my shoulders. No more caffeine addiction. No more late nights. No more stress over balancing study and life. No more thinking about dangerous cocktail that consists of girls and study. I was ready to look forward.

There were a few factors that drove me back. Funny thing is that these "reasons" were the epitome of traits of myself that disgusts me. First there was the lame excuse of "cheaper" IELTS results. Which highlights the fact that I still have the weakness of arguing for the sake of arguing. Secondly, there was the idea of "I'll enjoy myself more in Malaysia". That has basically portrayed the part of me that blinds myself hoping for a better outcome in the long run.

All of these reasons I initially thought were fantastic reasons, suddenly fell apart when I came back to a shitstorm of quandaries, and as a result I suffered from more depression: The addictions came back, and the old demons began to resurface again. Things were going out of control. I'm not a fan of the blame game (except ironically I love blaming myself), but the environment does contribute to consequences, and the 软禁process took its toll on me.

So that was the past. At present, I am just trying to avoid turning into this:

It's interesting how things could've turned out. But as a new year, I have to set goals for 2011. The adage of "clutch" is ringing in my head now with a decibel level so high that it's starting to be as loud as the alarm bells. So here we go.

1. Maintain a routine in my life. One of the many lessons that I have learnt from my dad this trip is that if you define rules and follow them, you'll rarely lose out in life. I will start on the routine and it will be done by the end of the week.
2. Have an open communication line with both parents. Through this trip I have really valued the communication that I have with my parents after comparing it with most of my friends' communication lines; I have to keep learning, and I can never hate them, whether they hate each other or not.
3. The magic 15.

So those are the mini-goals first, I don't wanna set a list that's too long, and before I go, here's a picture of what I hope to look like in the near future: